Monday, August 20, 2012

Attack of the B-Boats!

Let's see if I keep you on board for this one.

First, a little background:
As a child (we're talking 5 and under) I was afraid to death of floaties in the bathtub. These floaties could have been anything: but were usually bit of dirt, or a dead ant from my outside adventures (usually not feces, but how can you not just assume so when I say "bathtub floaties"). I think I was afraid that these UFO (unidentified floating objects) were going to sting or bite me, and cause me pain that I wanted to avoid at all costs. I would often make my dad or brother get a cup and scoop the offender out of the tub. The floaties became known as b-boats (beboats, bee-boats; I've never really had to spell it out).

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Are you Metal: Part 2

Me, being rather un-Metal
There's this genre of music that the youngsters seem to have embraced in the past couple of years called Dubstep.  Yes, I'm keenly aware that you can trace the origins of this genre to the late 90s - but that doesn't make it any better.  You may have guessed that I'm no fan of the genre as a whole, but that's how I treat most genres aside from the untouchable Jazz.  What troubles me most is the somewhat understandable comparison some people make between Dubstep and Heavy Metal.

Sure, they can both be pretty heavy at times and make nods to subjects on the fringe of society - but is that enough to make the comparison.  To put it bluntly, no.  To put it obscenely no fucking way in hell.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

A call from the Nation (of Islam)

How my wife and I actually looked in 2008
I just want to emphasize that I understand the following is the exception to the rule.  This is an indictment of no one, except the parties directly involved.

In 2008, my wife Michelle and I had just celebrated our third dating anniversary.  That very same night, I got a random phone call that was quite a treat.  The following is my official account of that phone call; the names have been made-up to protect the derps.


If I told you that my girlfriend was a defacto prostitute, you might become confused, and wonder why she's still with me if I were to refer to her in such a manner. This is a relatively new phenomenon in our relationship, because until just recently I was kept in the apparent dark regarding her shadowy nature.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Episodic Music: The Great Red Eye Part VII

The Terrible Looming Procellea

As the chatter from his post-release procedures faded into the background of his subconsciousness, Shem found stared unblinking at the sight that filled every millimeter of his field of view: Jupiter and the Great Red Eye.  As he fell, irreversibly, towards the tempests' of a billion years his computer systems whirred away taking measurements, ensuring stability and monitoring Shem's own vital signs.

"Cosmonaut Aglig, everything okay?  Your heart rate and blood pressure have raised steadily over the past several minutes," his radio called, bringing him out of his daze.  "Everything is fine.  Seeing the approach of storms that are bigger than entire planet is... unnerving to say the least," he replied while trying to distract himself from the scene playing out before his vessel.  "Should you prefer, we can turn on the view dampeners, so you won't have to watch the entire - "

"No," Shem interrupted mission control without hesitation.  "I want to see this.  I need to see this," as he turned his eyes back outward, this time with steely determination.  "The terrible looming procella of this magnificent titan will not deter me, we proceed as planned."

And so, for the next several hours, Shem Aglig watched as the gargantuan swirls of clouds and violent upheavals of colorful vapor beckoned him tauntingly.  Shem Aglig was a tiny man, heading straight into the terrifying eye of the solar system.