An attempt to explain my 'cycle' of depression

First and foremost – I am not posting these blogs and statuses for your sympathy.  When I re-read this I tried to add some lighthearted jibs, so please keep that in mind if something comes across as shocking or offensive (unless you deserve to be offended, of course).

Big head+Tiny arms = Sad T-Rex

While I do appreciate the sentiment behind your support, and it does give me strength at times, these posts are an attempt to make myself communicate with the ‘outside’ in a way that I can set the pace, subject and tone without feeling guilty.  Additionally, I see these posts as an opportunity to be held accountable and responsible – not for my emotions, but for the actions those emotions sometime aspire to inspire.  When I have the breakdowns that have plagued me for the past few months (at least with such intensity) the last thing I typically want is to talk to anyone about it for any reason.  But, again - accountability, responsibility and whatnot.

Trying to understand why I feel a little crazy sometimes

Sup.  Rough Day.

So, I’ve had a bit of a problem lately dealing with anxiety and depression.  Some prettymajor ones: inability to work, random unexplained crying fits, no sleep for days on end, strep, the flu and other infections FAR more often than prior.  While it’s true that all of this can probably be attributed to big life changes (getting married, moving, buying a house, changing jobs), I had only felt sad or maybe a little apprehension at times of big change in my younger years, and the feeling now is completely different.  The hole that gets dug between my anxiety and depression (whichever is in charge that day) is so incredibly deep that to ‘think happy thoughts’ becomes a fool’s errand, as there is no such thing as ‘happy’ to begin with when I’m in these states.

So how did this start?  How did I go from happy-go-lucky guy to the most depressed kid on your net-block? 

Some confessions

This past year or so, I have not been the best brother, son, friend or husband.  I have become more and more withdrawn - and more and more reclusive.  My anger is quicker than ever, my frustration at a fever pitch at times.

I'm sorry.


When I was laid off in September 2011, it was almost a breath of fresh air.  All of the daily stress of my job, dwindling resources to that job and the ever present threat of layoff all dissipated into the ether and each morning seemed new.  I was confident I would have a job in no time.

Fast forward to today and I feel about as hopeless, helpless and lost as I can ever remember feeling.  Applying to jobs that will likely never respond, being passed on time and time again despite my absolute best efforts.  It's so hard to even try anymore.  I roll out of bed and the world is grayer and grayer and grayer.

Top that off with everyone and their mother either saying one of two things:
1)  I'll be okay.  I'm far to talented and likable to not be seen as an asset.
2)  Giving me advice on all the things I might be doing wrong/could be doing better

My response?
1)  That's a crock of shit.
2)  Everyone thinks they know the answer, but no one seems to have the same one - it's like religion all over again.

I know I've been way to quick to anger with all of you, and I can't tell you how sorry I am.  I'm simply terrified and convinced that I'm going to lose everything and I feel absolutely paralyzed and helpless about doing anything about it.

Good times, right?